I love me some Christmas music. There’s lots of uplifting messages, old-school melodies, and warm fuzzy feelings. I find, however, a few questions about some lyrics that I throw out there. Any guidance would be appreciated.

  • Little Lord Jesus no crying he makes‽ What kind of [docetic] Christology is that?
  • Holy infant so tender and mild‽ Is this a baby or a chicken curry dish?
  • Who is Parson Brown? Does he frequently inquire into the marital status of people and is he in the habit of haphazardly marrying others when he’s in town?
  • Is the guy from Baby, It’s Cold Outside guilty of persistence or harassment? (No means no, people)
  • What if you only have heterosexual apparel to don? Can you still deck the halls?
  • What and where is Santa Claus Lane?

There are no questions about Little Drummer Boy, All I want for Christmas is You, and Christmas Wrapping (aka Christmas by myself this year). They speak for themselves (and not in a good way).